Avengers Assemble!
by AlAngel
Summary: Three years after in battle in New York Fury reassembles earths mightiest heroes. But unsurprisingly out of battle field they still get not that great along.


Dear reader,

my first try with an Avengers story, I hope you enjoy it.

It was planned as a parody on the second Avenger film, but somewhere on the way I decided I could write a serious second Avenger script. So that was the first scene I wrote, when it was supposed to be comedy. I'm still working on the serious script and may use parts of this in it as well.

But for the moment I hope you enjoy this funny one-short & you'll leave me some sort of feedback :)

Avengers #2

Scene 1: Avengers Assemble!

_Helicarrie, conference room_

_Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint sitting around table. Nick Fury is standing (because it's more dramatic)._

FURY: We need the Avengers again.

CLINT: Because I've got heaps of spare time... Have you seen my schedule for next week? Oh yeah of course you have! You're my boss.

FURY: For your active work as an Avengers you are released from all your S.H.I.E.L.D duties. _(Nat raised eyebrow) _You too, Agent Romanov.

TONY: So where is the problem? Does Rudolph have again problems with his megalomania and tries again to take over our nice and peaceful blue planet?

THOR: _(Crashes through window; with his hammer ahead) _Friend Anthony, how often have I told you that the comparison of my little brother with the Midgardian pet of the Midgardian man who traditionally brings the little children presents is inappropriate?

TONY: Once too less.

STEVE: I think Loki's last attack was too close to success. We may need more Avengers recruits for this mission.

BRUCE: No!

STEVE: Why?

TONY: Does nobody here reads the papers?

FURY: For God's sake! Stark, you also only read your S.H.I.E.L.D papers! You don't even read the papers of your own company – That's why you need Ms Potts!

TONY: Oh whatever. The problem is that as soon as we recruit somebody new, we have to decruit the Hulk.

NAT: Why?

CLINT: Yeah why? I mean since he could control his anger problems, everything is fine. He didn't attack anybody in Now York – expect from the aliens. And that, for god's sake, was his duty as Avenger!

TONY: My research said that we gonna mistrust him. His feelings gonna be hurt, because of us. And no way how often we apologize he's leaving.

STEVE: If you, at least for once, would just try to apologize, he would probably stay. But yeah apologizing is not really your style, Stark, is it?

BRUCE: Hey, no big deal guys. I don't even trust myself – That's why I actually never really wanted to join.

NAT: You came back and helped. You didn't hurt any of us. That must count something.

THOR: He bet my brother black and blue.

NAT: Your brother killed two people in 80 days.

CLINT: Uhm, Nat… I guess it was the other way round.

NAT: He was killed by two people in 80 days? That doesn't make sense! Don't confuse me, Barton!

CLINT: Don't get shitty with me, Nat. I just said he killed 80 people in two days.

NAT: Fuck you! But, honestly, our last mission as a team was three years ago. How should I recall all the details? My head is full of creative ideas how to pin down Clint the next time we spare in training.

FURY: Thank you, Agent Romanov, for the unnecessary insight in your thoughts!

CLINT: You think about pining me down?! Well, guess that makes it less bad, that I think about the same think. Just in my thoughts it's not exactly for training…

FURY: Barton!

STEVE: Team! We should really focus on the problem.

TONY: So apparently, my dear dear friend Rodgers, hasn't changed a lot in the last three years. Don't want to tell me to "suit up", Capsicle?

STEVE: Focus, team!

FURY: I hate it as hell to admit that, but I came to the same result as Stark. We can't think about recruiting new team mates, without losing Banner – Otherwise we risk a really bad divide out of alternative universes.

TONY: And we can't take that risk under any circumstances.

CLINT: So you guys are seriously dating?

BRUCE: What?

NAT: You left together, after bidding farewell to Thor. And as super spies of an intelligence agency we never lost track of you.

CLINT: And 'coz you spent a lot of time together, we thought…

TONY: I've got Pepper.

STEVE: From the four words, that made your whole really complex personality, was one playboy.

BRUCE: Of course, we NOT dating.

TONY: What's obviously a good thing, because otherwise I had to leave you right now. You. Just. Interrupted! The beginning of any epic battle between me and Capsicle.

STEVE: It's "Capsicle" and me.

TONY: You name the important points always first – But at least you found a starting point for a new fight. That's what I need to work with.

CLINT: I hate to interrupt your "epic battle" again. But just to make a point clear: You're not dating Bruce. But even, if you have Pepper, you're still a playboy. _(To Nat) _So what do you see, dear Watson?

TONY: Really a Sherlock Holmes joke? Just because the guy playing Holmes and I look a little bit similar?

NAT: Cap and Stark flirting the whole time, when they pretend to have huge and insuperable problems with each other.

TONY: I really hate him.

STEVE: It's not polite to say, but... yeah same with me. Hate him.

FURY: Thank god, you two squabbler could agree on something. Could we now focus?

STEVE: We stopped while thinking about new recruits.

TONY: No, we need Bruce.

THOR: Why is the man of iron so attached to the big green friend?

BRUCE: Tony, with his big mouth, promised Pepper to give up all his armors.

THOR: So friend Anthony isn't the man of iron anymore?

BRUCE: He is, because all his armors are now in my cellar.

TONY: And because, seriously, this team wouldn't work without me, the amazing Iron man, we, as a team, can't lose Bruce under any circumstances.

CLINT: No matter how, once more, selfish that sounded, he's got a point.

STEVE: So no new recruits?

NAT: нет.

CLINT: She means no.

STEVE: Well, I kind of likes our team how it is anyway. _(Pause) _Expect from Stark, I hate him, of course, still.

FURY: Walk to hell all of you god dam superheroes _(angry look from Nat) _and spies _(really angry look from Nat) _super-spies_._ Screw you and go to hell all of you! I just spent a whole hour of my valuable time dealing with your Avengers kindergarten. And what's the result? Everything stay the fuck how it was?

STEVE: I'm sorry, Sir.

TONY: Oh come, Captain Coax, we're not in school, no point in trying to be teachers pet.

CLINT: I think somebody should keep a list with Tonys nicknames for Cap – some are hilarious.

BRUCE: You don't know that you have at least as many as Cap, do you?

TONY: Legolas, Katniss, but my personal favourite is LoFA.

BRUCE: You better not ask.

CLINT: And what does that acronym stand for?

TONY: Lokis favourite Avenger.

CLINT: I kill you, Stark.

NAT: I liked Katniss the best.

CLINT: Traitress.

FURY: Like I said: kindergarten. _(Into intercom) _Coulson! Your turn! I go… copy… stuff!

STEVE: Without being impolite, I would like to remind you that Agent Coulson…

_Doors open and closes again. Agent Phil Coulson is entering, standing on the right side behind Fury facing the Avengers._

PHIL: Good day, Avengers. I hope you kept my cards, Captain?

THOR: You are alive?

PHIL: Indeed.

FURY: I said he should keep his eyes open. I refused to do so. That's refusal to obey orders! And what do you idiotic never growing up children think how I handle people who refuse to obey my orders?!

CLINT: Now I'm happing not to work for S.H.I.E.L.D anymore.

FURY: What the fuck are you talking about, Barton?

NAT: You said we're free from all S.H.I.E.L.D duties while we're Avengers.

FURY: That's not about orders, you god dam spy pack!

CLINT: Well whose orders? I guess we, as Avengers, should vote for a leader.

TONY: I'm the man.

NAT: What a surprise.

BRUCE: What about we vote after the new mission? I guess we don't really know much about each other and their leading skills so far.

CLINT: And until then Fury is able to forbid us dying?

FURY: S.H.I.E.L.D is gonna give the orders for the Avengers initiative.

PHIL: S.H.I.E.L.D means you, as our director.

FURY: Correct, Agent.

TONY: I knew his first name was Agent!

BRUCE: What about something simple like the oldest?

NAT: Would make sense. I agree!

TONY: Hey! Me and Brucey here, we are geniuses – All we say makes sense.

NAT: Like last Christmas party you called me the whole time Pepper?

TONY: Not my fault that you girls have the same hair colour.

BRUCE: Pepper is blonde.

TONY: No, she's not. I mean why should I call her Pepper than? That's one of my very creative nicknames allude to her red hair.

CLINT: You should really stay with playboy, tin man.

TONY: Are you looking for a nickname fight, LoFA?

CLINT: At least I could recall the hair colour of my own girlfriend, can hero.

TONY: You don't even have a girlfriend, birdbrain.

BRUCE: I guess it's up to you, Steve. You are the oldest. So deal with the problem before I bring some green colour into the fight.

THOR: Friend Bruce, I live since the beginning of time.

BRUCE: Sorry, Thor, but we can't just count time spend on our planet.

STEVE: Barton! Stark! Shut up, both of you!

TONY: Why? Fury is gone anyway.

PHIL: He's copying some files. And you, if I may recall for you, are not here to have a good time.

TONY: Oh not? Thanks for telling me, I almost had fun.

PHIL: The earth needs it mightiest heroes.

STEVE: So as new captain…

TONY: Capsicle, if that's a strange back-flash or something, may I have the arguable pleasure of telling you that you're still in the 21 century and we're not your god dam Hydra-castle attack command.

STEVE: Shut up, Stark! Of course I know how you all are.

TONY: And I tried for once so hard to be nice...

BRUCE: Steve is our new temporary team captain.

CLINT: When did we agree to that?

TONY: I'm opposing it – We're no high school football team, we don't need a captain.

NAT: Too late, Stark, he's the new team leader.

STEVE: As temporary team leader I'd like to agree on two points. We should in the future try to behave and be more of a team. And we should listen to Director Fury whenever he returns from copying.

TONY: Or we just send you for copying jobs in the future. We wouldn't have a Poppa as Captain and you could learn some, for you, challenging future technology stuff – Or did your talent for modern tech increase in the last years proportionally to Clint's nicknames?


End file.
